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Fuck your startup scene with your 30 minute morning routines of reading Tech Crunch, TNW, Wired, Gizmodo, Mashable, The Verge and Product Hunt- all so you don’t feel ‘left out’. Fuck spending money on ping pong tables that no one ever uses, fucking music rooms, nap rooms, meditation rooms, stress-free rooms, and pilates rooms. Fuck your unlimited vacation policy, it’s fucking bullshit.

Fuck your weird fucking conversations, things like “OMG did you see Snapchat’s new feature?

Shit, you woke up at , meditated for 30 minutes, reviewed your quarterly and yearly “goals” for another 30 minutes, and slurped on a delicious Soylent shake while checking daily retention trends. Who the fuck thinks of these stupid fucking questions?

You try to make me feel bad because I woke up at 6AM.

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I once wrote a review about dating Indonesian girls and where to meet them. Nobody gives a fuck that Elon musk is working 100 hours a week, and that Marissa Mayer pulling in a 130 hour work week while still breastfeeding her newborns. You should celebrate any day that you don’t have to sell off another part of your company. Fuck you for telling me that TV is a waste of time but you’re all about the Netflix and chill. And I never got a compilation error on a white board, when I need a hash set in Java I just use Hash Set- I don’t fucking care about the complexity of this code block because I can afford another EC2 instance! Everyone there is the CEO of something-something and they’re all building a MVP to disrupt the who gives a fuck market and that hockey-stick growth is guaranteed. Fuck your noise cancelling headphones and Pomodoro timers, your fucking to-do lists, apps, notes, sticky notes, and God knows what else. Robot is kind of like you, because you like to geek out on that shit. Keep laughing about how HBO’s Silicon Valley is realistic instead of asking why. I never had to shift a bit in a C array in my life! Fucking DAU’s, WAU’s, MAU’s, ARPU, LTV, CPM, CPI, CPC, PPC, CPA, CTR, SEO, ASO, Yo Y, Wo W, Fuck over Fuck. And the fucking networking events, my fucking lord. Fuck you startups with your extravagant parties and crazy off-site events that cost way too much money, you’re supposed to buy some fucking servers instead! On one end of the scale you’ve got the pizza-guzzling, office-snack hoarding monster, and on the other end you have the ‘I-must-optimize-every-living-second’ douche that only drinks fucking Soylent. It ain’t gonna mitigate all those fucking doritos you just munched on, so just shut the fuck up and sit in a normal chair like normal people. Especially all those straight-out-of-college-entrepreneurs. I want to get the same version of your site every time I refresh it, stop fucking changing it up on me.

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